Now that I have been writing in this blog, I notice that I go through cycles that repeat approximately every 3 months. For like two and a half months, I feel great about myself, I’m on track, eating well and exercising regularly. And then something happens and I fall into the dumps and feel awful. Then I have to get back into my routine and write it down and complain about it until it happens.
I want to get out of this routine but I don’t really know where to start. Right now I’m in a down cycle. I let everything go to pieces during the month of August and gained 5 lbs – the heaviest I’d been since January. Two of those pounds came off right away and but the scale has stayed consistent at +3; not within the daily fluctuation range. Many people fluctuate within 3 lbs from day to day, but it’s not normal for me. Again, I hate knowing that this is the highest number I’ve seen in months. It’s making me anxious and depressed, which makes me want to eat and not exercise – a dangerous combination.
Another thing: I read books. I know things. I’m smart. A part of me is now worried that it’s a problem for me to distressed about three freaking pounds. I am upset that the pounds I worked so hard to lose are now back on, thanks to circumstances which were totally within my control. I’m angry for letting myself down. I’m having trouble letting it go so that I can move on and re-center myself. Where is the line between realistic concerns vs disordered behavior? I guess my relationship with food and health hasn’t improved as much as I thought.